He Says “That’s Just How I Am”
Every time he hurts me with his tone, his distance, or his behavior, he hides behind the phrase “that’s just how I am.” It’s like a shield …he uses so he doesn’t have to grow, compromise, or take responsibility. Meanwhile, I’m constantly adjusting, softening, and changing myself to keep the peace. But relationships require evolution from both sides. I feel like I’m the only one doing the work while he gets to stay exactly the same, expecting me to adapt to everything he refuses to fix. I’m beginning to realize that “that’s just how I am” often means “I don’t care enough to try.”
Dr. Klara’s Response:
It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and exhausted, and I can see why! Being in a relationship where you feel like you are doing all the adapting while your partner remains unchanged is incredibly draining. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge how much effort you’ve been putting into making things work.
“That’s just how I am” can be a tough phrase to hear. It often feels like a get-out-of-jail-free card, doesn’t it? While it’s true that everyone has their own way of being, a healthy relationship requires both partners to be willing to reflect, grow, and sometimes compromise. When someone uses this phrase as a shield, it can indeed mean they’re not willing to engage in the necessary work that relationships demand.
You have hit on an essential truth: relationships need evolution from both sides. It’s great that you’re aware of this because it means you’re clear on what a healthy relationship looks like. But it’s also important to recognize that you can’t do all the evolving for both of you. It’s not sustainable, and it’s certainly not fair.
Now, let’s talk about what you can do now. Start by having an honest conversation with him. Choose a calm moment when you’re not in the heat of an argument. Use “I” statements to express how his behavior makes you feel, like, “I feel strange when it seems like you’re not willing to compromise.” This way, you’re not attacking him but rather explaining your perspective.
Be clear about what you need from him. Maybe you need him to be more mindful of his tone or to engage more actively in discussions about your relationship. Try to be specific about what changes you’re looking for. This way, your requests are tangible, and there’s less room for ambiguity.
Listen to his response, too. He may not realize how his words and actions affect you, or he might have insights that help you understand him better. However, if he continues to dismiss your feelings with “that’s just how I am,” you might need to reevaluate what you’re willing to accept in this relationship.
Remember, you deserve a partner who’s willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work, just as you are. If he’s not willing to budge, it’s worth considering what that means for your future together. Change is hard, but it’s a necessary part of any relationship that thrives.
Ultimately, you are not responsible for his growth – only your own. So take a moment to reflect on what you want and need, and whether this relationship is fulfilling those needs. You deserve a partnership where both parties are committed to growing together. Whatever decision you make, trust that you have the strength and wisdom to choose the path that’s right for you!